unpickledblog.com

A decade or so ago, when I was still caught in a cycle of hustling for worthiness all day and numbing my discomfort with wine, my then-eleven-year-old delivered a truth bomb that I am still unpacking to this day. There were a lot of emphasized words and faces and gestures accompanying the story, a lot of so I saids and then he saids and seriouslys. It would take years, but eventually I’d start unpacking that and other nuggets I had gathered over time and wonder if they could be put to better use. After eight years alcohol-free and reading a million books and listening to others and thinking thinking thinking and filling multiple journals, I am undoing the hairball of mixed-up ideas I believed were true.

In my (nearly) eight years of sobriety, I have ventured into exactly two meetings – both of them away from home. It is time to dig into the established recovery community right here where I live and build relationships I can see and feel and touch everyday. I was not afraid of rejection in the other two meetings I attended because no one knew me, and perhaps because I wouldn’t have to live with it if they did reject me. It wouldn’t be right for me to write a followup, because what happens in the rooms stays in the rooms.

It’s been nearly eight years. But yesterday, tidying after a weekend of company, I felt a ZAP of wanting while handling the recycling. Our company this weekend was low-key and didn’t drink much more than a glass with dinner. I don’t have to be sober.

If you are headed to a family gathering over the holidays and find the prospect stressful, it could be because you are dreading the loss of self that occurs when our old family roles are no longer in alignment with current values. The goal going forward became staying grounded in my true self (what I call my Highest Self) and retaining those old abilities to use on occasion – intentionally and as necessary. If your family gathering is feeling super sticky and uncomfortable, hide out for a moment and check in with your support group (or post a comment here and you will get a response – feel free to stay anonymous). Explain what is happening and ask for feedback, or just let it be known that you are feeling triggered and need reminding of why staying sober is better and also all the reasons why you shouldn’t throw pie.