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” in Doc’s Delorean; I’m going back in time and reliving some of those painful memories again and again. I’m in the hospital; I’m out. And I suppose it was in a lot of ways… this year, I’m finally admitting to myself that life isn’t ever going to be the same for me. I don’t know if I’m the type of person that can adjust to this way of life.

It’s kind of a grim celebration when you think about it, or at least it is when you consider your cancerversary to be the day you learned you had cancer like I do. I suppose if you thought of it as the day you learned you were sick so you could start treatment, beat cancer, and live life a full life–and leave cancer in the dust forever–it could be looked at as a happy celebration. It’s not that I’m not excited; I just didn’t know life after cancer would be so difficult. And, it’s giving me all the cancer feels I had the day I was diagnosed.

Survivor’s guilt wasn’t something I thought about at all during the whole process of having cancer. And it’s not just looking around about all those infected with blood cancers and knowing that some won’t make it that I feel guilty about. Judge called me a few times at the end of October and early November of that year and told me Linda wasn’t doing very well; he wanted to give me a heads up on her health so I wouldn’t be blindsided should something happen. And it’s sad knowing not everyone in the room isn’t going to make it

, I’m 30 years old, have two beautiful boys, a handsome husband who’s been my rock the last 13 years (and now 10 years married) and we’re revisiting some of our favorite places from a road trip only he And honestly, I didn’t know if I’d ever feel well enough to travel and explore new places. He’d take the boys and spread my ashes in places along the coast—places I loved, places we loved, places only he I’ve been so isolated for the past three years, I wasn’t able to go to public places without taking the risk of getting sick, so traveling was definitely off limits.