Melissa Bingham

But when you’re like me and have cancer that’s both A and D ... you can’t just use drugs that are approved for type C because I have two different groups of cells. The pain is so dull, yet intense, and so constant - it's like you don't know how severe it is because it's had a very slow time to creep up and culminate. He's almost 6 ... but I can see him doing it when he's 16 too ... and it breaks my heart because I just don't think I'm going to be alive to see it. Perhaps this next treatment will give me a longer time between medications ... perhaps it will kill the cancer that's taking over my liver ... perhaps it will kill the tumor that's sitting next to my heart.

It's a programmed response I feel like to the news that someone is likely to die from cancer (breast cancer no less) and there isn't anything to prevent it (when the insanely, incorrect, pink message for 40 years has been the opposite - that breast cancer can be cured). All I know is I've been in for blood tests of my phosphorus level almost every 3 days and each time I go in for blood work, I get a call that I need to take more of the phosphorus binder medication that I'm also on. MDA doesn't release scans as easily as my local Austin imaging center does (meaning there isn't a front desk that I can pester to release my results the same day ... at least I haven't found it ... yet). For those that know what's going on - I assume they understand that what I'm saying is treasure this holiday as if it were your last, because that's what I'm doing ... because that's what I'm facing.

"I'm crying because mommy doesn't know that she's ever going to get better." I feel like I'm starting to need to try. That will be the indication that this is only going to go downhill from here and I’m going to have to go on leave from work and it’s highly likely that I won’t be coming back. And I realize that I'm sad that the boys will be without me in the majority of their life and that there's nothing I can do to correct the injustice.

And handfuls and handfuls of hair are wrapped, woven and intertwined in both hands ... down your back, down your chest, on your arms ... and you do everything you can to lean back and let the water just rinse through your hair and not on your body so you don't have hair stuck to you everywhere - In essence - they removed a section of my lower lobe in my right lung that had a tumor, they removed some of the lining that is in between the lung and the interior of the chest cavity, and they scratched up any lining that was left, so my right lung now sticks to the interior of my chest cavity. Treatment line #2 - Taxol, Herceptin, Perjeta - 6 weeks Treatment line #3 - Xeloda and Herceptin, 7 months Treatment line #4 - Verzenio, Faslodex and Herceptin, 4 months I've lost both my breasts, both my ovaries, and now part of my lung ... and I've lost my hair 3 times (4 times if you count early stage treatment).