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When it didn’t, I felt embarrassed and disappointed that I didn’t know my own body well enough to understand what it was trying to tell me. The anxiety I was feeling about my future and my career didn’t go away completely, and I still had some days that were better than others, but I started to be more optimistic more of the time, and came to realize a few things. Now that the summer is over and I am steadily building back in to full time rowing training, as tempting as it is, I don’t feel like this year has been a loss. It didn’t go as planned, but I don’t feel like I wasted it, either, because for better or for worse, this was a new and unexpected experience that I have (fingers crossed) survived, and have now added to my Rowing Bingo board.

I was keenly aware that part of what made the prospect of rowing the pair at that time so enticing was the opportunity to line up and race against the two women who were arguably, the best women’s pair in history: For me, coming in to a situation that wasn’t optional or optimal given my lack of experience and then discovering that I was not just proficient in the pair, but was able to trade blows with one of the best women’s crews in history … that was something. The next time I saw the GB pair was the following season in Varese at the second World Cup. For a new combination with not a lot of pair experience, I think it’s the best possible way for us to come in to the post-Olympic year and start to learn about the event, while keeping in mind that four years is a long time, and a lot can change between now and Tokyo.

I had no idea how I was going to make it work, or whether or not I would still want to keep rowing a month after Rio, or six months after; but I knew that if I wanted to have the option to row, I needed to stay in touch with rowing and my strength training so the next year wouldn’t be wasted while I struggled to get back in shape. Most of the women training in January were returning Rio Olympians, or women who had been at the training center but just missed out on making the Rio Team. The hardest part about my first days and weeks back training was just getting over the disbelief that I wanted to be training, because I’d believed for so long that I wouldn’t, and also on some level, that I shouldn’t. It’s definitely not easy to look at what I’m doing and scale it out to the long-term big picture and realize that if I commit to a fourth Olympic campaign, I’m risking long-term quality of life and straining my relationship, delaying any hope of establishing any kind of financial stability, and that someday I could be 37 and entering the work force for the first time.

And I didn’t because I have only ever been told that not speaking up was going to make me a better athlete, and also be the best thing for the team. Few people will know the strength of the bonds I have built with my teammates, and how much it has destroyed me to know that our fifth place finish hurts our entire team, and the future of our sport. but if I can’t use my collective experience to get myself and my team to where we need to be, it doesn’t matter, because it means I’m not doing what I am supposed to be doing as an athlete, which is learning and getting better all the time. I know that it is coming from a good place, and those of you who have reached out to me are doing so because you know me well enough to know how much this meant to me, and that I will need the help of all the best people in my life to get through this next part.