Alix in Wonderland

The week we were supposed to leave for our honeymoon I made an appointment with my Neuro to talk about the potential risks of the virus and my MS and the DMT that I am taking. Things like canceling our honeymoon, my husband transitioning to working from home full time, and isolating ourselves from family and friends. After I got sick with MS, I learned how to entertain myself at home, I learned to rest and be still in a very busy world, I learned to spend extended periods in self isolation (or close to it, just seeing my husband who I live with) for the betterment of my health! We are all experiencing this loss of normal (as well as the loss of so much more, including lives), collectively as a world right now.

But now they’re gone, it all feels wrong. Our children’s t-ball games on weeknights in the park, Sitting shoulder to shoulder with a stranger, on a bus, that smells like pee. But now they’re gone, it all feels wrong. But now they’re gone, it all feels wrong.

The dog trusts that his master will return home at the end of every day. A farmer trusts the rain to come and quench his parched field in his time of need. And the birds trust, that even in the fiercest storms, the branch they built their home on will not bend. So I can trust that we will come out of this ok, maybe even stronger in the end.

I look forward to the day when I can look back at this and think of it, no longer in the present tense. I will dust off these old faded memories, the ones that are so vivid in this moment. The ones that currently scream into all of my senses, igniting fear and anxiety inside my mind. Like the dog, we will live each day in this house, catching good memories in jars and lining them up on a shelf to look at when the days grow darker.