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I am either living off of pre-packaged energy bars or I am hand-peeling the skins off of 4,000 chickpeas to make homemade hummus. I am either working 60 hours a week or I am in my bed, smushed under a weighted blanket with my laptop streaming Netflix for, like, the whole day. I am either turning a blind eye to the overflowing junk drawer or I am dumping its contents angrily into a box, declaring, “WE CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE! I am learning to non-judgementally observe how I’m wired and then make small, sustainable adjustments in the direction I’d like to go.
I am ready for spring, for the snow to melt and for the windows to get washed and also for us to take everything we own to the dump and/or or light it all on fire. This weekend I deleted Instagram off of my phone
He was always so gentle with each child as they showed up, never once growling or nipping at them, instead just licking their cheeks and quietly letting himself get moved down another notch on the totem pole of family. And when it was over, he just looked so peaceful and like he was asleep, just how he’s spent so many hours of these last years of his life. Then Steve and I wrapped him in a blanket, took him down to the bottom of the orchard and buried him on the land he’s walked his whole life. If you had told us on that first day we met him, all that the next 14 and 3/4 years would hold, I would have smiled and cried and taken that puppy in my arms and told him it was all going to be ok, just like we did last night.
All of my good intentions fly out the window in this last, meandering, eternal week before school (finally) starts. I let the kids watch 800 shows on Netflix and eat whatever crap they want and fight until everyone is crying because I just don’t have it in me to care anymore. It’s a good reminder to be present and remember that I don’t need alcohol to enjoy life, and that it can just be added in every now and again as something to enhance the moment. In the summer, it’s so easy for it to become a staple at every dinner or social gathering.