Dr. Cammy Froude

Many of us believe that if our partners really loved us, they would just know what we want. But that just isn’t true! Your partner is not a mind reader; they can only know what you need if you tell them. Check in with your partner this week and share any unspoken needs, desires, or expectations. Giving your partner the chance to show up for you and fulfill your needs– that is where the love happens ❣️

If you’ve ever wondered, “Does listening to angry music or punching a pillow work to release anger?” the answer is no. 🥊 Studies show that these activities escalate anger and keep you in an elevated state. The key to reducing anger is to bring your nervous system back down through self-soothing, which can look like taking a walk, calling a friend, or listening to soothing music. If your partner’s anger is escalating into yelling or throwing things, leave the environment and seek support.

If you’ve ever wondered, “Does listening to angry music or punching a pillow work to release anger?” the answer is no. 🥊 Studies show that these activities escalate anger and keep you in an elevated state. The key to reducing anger is to bring your nervous system back down through self-soothing, which can look like taking a walk, calling a friend, or listening to soothing music. If your partner’s anger is escalating into yelling or throwing things, leave the environment and seek support.

There is no evidence that “releasing” anger through punching or throwing things is helpful. These adrenaline-fueled activities will only make you angrier. 🥊 Instead, the person who is angry must do something to bring their nervous system down, like taking a walk, calling a friend, or listening to soothing music. If your partner’s anger is escalating and you are worried about your safety, leave the environment and seek support.

If you are on the receiving end of your partner’s anger, it’s crucial to set a boundary to protect your safety and well-being. For example, decide that if your partner’s anger is escalating, you will leave the environment and take a walk outside. Then make sure to follow through on it! If you are concerned about your safety, seek support from your doctor or a Domestic Violence clinic.

Trauma has become a catch-all phrase for describing painful, life-changing experiences. However, it’s important to ask yourself: is this experience a trauma, or can it be better encapsulated by words like anguish, exclusion, betrayal, or loss? An event does not have to be considered a ‘trauma’ to be taken seriously or relay the gravity of what you’ve been through.

A common misconception about boundaries is that they are a way to control other people’s behavior. The truth is that a boundary is about what WE will do to honor our own needs (for example: “I want to be on time; if you’re not home, I’m leaving the house at 7 pm.”) Instead of asking, “How can I get my partner to respect my boundaries?” ask yourself, “How can I respect my own boundaries?” 🫶

Boundaries are the parameters we set for ourselves inside our relationship. When we set a boundary, we communicate what WE will do to honor our needs and limits. Many of us get stuck by expecting our boundaries to change our partner’s behavior. Remember: Regardless of your partner’s actions, it is your responsibility to respect your own boundaries.

There are so many words we can use to express the complex, weighted experiences we go through in life. Before defaulting to the word ‘trauma’- ask yourself: Could the essence of this event be better described as anguish, guilt, or longing? Is it a ‘trauma’ or a betrayal, devastation, or loss? Just because something is not a ‘trauma’ does not mean it’s any less painful or significant.

Stop a heated argument in its tracks with these 4 steps: 1️⃣Tell your partner you’re feeling overwhelmed and need to step away. 2️⃣Take a break for at least 20 minutes (the time your body needs to reset). Make sure to return to the conversation within 24 hours. 3️⃣ Get some space away. 4️⃣ Self-soothe by listening to music or taking a walk. Avoid ruminating on the conflict as this will only keep your stress response activated.

Your partner is not lazy! You are falling trap to the fundamental attribution error, which is the tendency to attribute other’s flaws to their character. Meanwhile, when it comes to our flaws, we see a lot of context and nuance (“I’m not lazy; I just had a hectic week at work, and the kids were sick.”) The next time you’re tempted to make a sweeping generalization about your partner, try to look for more nuance and context in their life.

If you’re wondering, “Can I believe my partner when they say they only cheated once?” the answer is no. Whenever you see your partner doing something once, assume it’s a long-standing pattern of behavior. Then, ask yourself these 2 questions: 1️⃣What does this behavior say about my partner’s values and moral compass? 2️⃣If your partner wants to be different, do you want to be with them through the long process of identity-based change?

People don’t do things once. If your partner lashes out in anger once, they have done it many times before. If they lie and cheat once, they have lied and cheated many times before. That doesn’t mean they can’t change; however, it’s important to ask yourself if you want to be the person supporting them through that process.

When you grow up in an abusive environment, looking to another person for a sense of right and wrong becomes the blueprint. Even though it’s harmful, you look for the same thing in adulthood: an outside influence to give you the rules and answers. If you keep finding yourself in controlling relationships, seek support from a therapist who can help you start to build your inner compass ❤️

What do you do when you’re arguing with your partner, and things start spiraling out of control? Follow these 4 steps: 1️⃣ Let your partner know you need to take a break. 2️⃣ The break should be no shorter than 20 minutes and no longer than 24 hours. 3️⃣ Go to a different location and get physical space. 4️⃣ Use the break to do something calming so you can return to the conversation grounded.