Borderless Stories

If you’re “stuck” at home together:⠀ ⠀ Take time “apart” and make a plan to hang out and do something special later. If you’re in a small space, “apart” might not be possible unless one of you hides out in the bathroom. A great way to achieve this without moving to a larger home is…headphones. You can work, read, watch, whatever without including each other in that activity, and then set a time when you’ll both put down your laptops and hang out. ⠀ ⠀ It may feel like because you’re together all the time, there’s no real need for a set-aside date time. For myself, I’ve noticed in those rare, golden moments when we aren’t talking about our fears or complaining about people who aren’t taking lockdown life seriously, sometimes we find something to laugh at or I‌ hear a childhood story I’d never heard before. Those moments feel extra special in this time, and I‌’ve noticed they don’t happen unless we both put down our phones/laptops and just simply share a meal together.⠀ ⠀ Disclaimer: None of this is intended to add to the stress and pressure that you’re already feeling.‌ No, I‌ don’t believe you MUST make time for date night or else your relationship will suffer. You already feel scared and stressed enough, so let this be an idea for how to incorporate a little fun. If you don’t have the bandwidth for that, then pass this right on by or save it for a (less) rainy day.

Does this book make my head look small?⠀ ⠀ Friends, life has been hard lately (duh). I haven’t been around here much because, like many of you, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and scared. You can’t pour from an empty bucket, so I’ve been focusing on myself and listening to what I‌ need. As it turns out, some days that’s a nap or Netflix, and some days it’s a walk, a book, a good cry, or just to feel frustrated about the things I want (like an outing or a hug) that I can’t have.⠀ ⠀ One thing that feels good to me right now is sharing something I love with you. It feels like at least a year ago that my book came out, but as my calendar just confirmed, it actually happened in FEBRUARY of this year. I’ve been neglecting promoting it lately, but that doesn’t mean I‌ don’t want to share it. I love it, I’m proud of it, and there’s nothing I want more than to share it with anyone and everyone who will listen.⠀ ⠀ So…here’s my plan. Later today, I’m going to hop on Instagram Live and read the first chapter. I’m planning to do the same thing (except Chapter 2) next week, and if the interest holds strong (from you and from me), then I’ll keep doing it as long as this lockdown lasts.⠀ ⠀ If you’ve been wanting to read it, but your budget is stretched tight, come join! If you aren’t sure if this is for you, then come join! Chapter 1 is called “Who this book is for,” so what better place to get that question answered. If you’ve already got a copy, I‌ bet you’ve never had someone read it to you – come join!

If you’re apart and unsure of when you’ll be together again:⠀ ⠀ Watch a movie together. There are a few Chrome extensions for Netflix that let you watch a movie together and have a chat going in the same screen. It’s a lot of fun, even for those of us who normally do NOT appreciate it when others talk during movies (somehow typing/chatting is way less offensive). This can be a great way to “escape” together and not end up talking about your stress, the latest news, or wondering when you might be able to see each other again.⠀ ⠀ It’s completely natural that you want to make plans about when you can be reunited, and I’m sure it feels like staying super up-to-date on all the latest developments will help you get a better idea of when that might be. The reality is, you can ask anyone and everyone, read everything you can get your hands on, and still not be able to write a date on the calendar in pen. That’s incredibly frustrating, and I’d hate for it to be a source of frustration between you and the person you love. Consider setting guidelines like, “On date night, let’s just talk about the things we’re looking forward to when we’re reunited. Let’s save our frustrations and stresses for any other day/night of the week.”⠀ ⠀ Disclaimer: None of this is intended to add to the stress and pressure that you’re already feeling.‌ No, I‌ don’t believe you MUST make time for date night or else your relationship will suffer. You already feel scared and stressed enough, so let this be an idea for how to incorporate a little fun. If you don’t have the bandwidth for that, then pass this right on by or save it for a (less) rainy day.

Pay What (If) You Can Stress and anxiety levels are high, and I‌ know many of us are feeling the strain personally, emotionally, relationally, and financially. I‌ want to be of service, both to benefit others who are struggling and also to keep myself busy while I’m isolating. For that reason, I’m offering “Pay What (If) You Can“ coaching, and I’m truly hoping to see my calendar fill up. Here’s the deal:‌ If you are feeling the stress and pressure and need someone to talk to (and not just vent, but come up with some strategies to manage/move forward), book a session. There is no “suggested donation” or minimum for booking a call. In the confirmation email, I’ll send a PayPal link, and you can pay whatever you can, even if it’s $0. 💙💙💙

These are times of uncertainty for all of us, and I can’t begin to imagine the stresses facing those who are at greater health risk than I am or who have more to worry about as far as their stability, financial security, and quality of life.⠀ ⠀ It’s a strange time to own a small business, and all of my best laid marketing plans for the month are sitting untouched on my social media platforms. I know a return to normalcy is important, and I know it will come, but for right now my priorities are solely keeping busy, being of service, and trusting my inner guidance about what is/isn’t tone deaf or slimey.⠀ ⠀ So. Here’s what I’ve come up with. Many people are stuck at home for the first time, possibly ever, and not feeling too great about it. Sure, you can binge Netflix shows for a few days, but that won’t suffice for the duration of this time. So I’m coming up with some ways for us to gather virtually, to be together in different capacities, and to not lose that human connection. ⠀ ⠀ These are what I’m thinking so far:⠀ ⠀ 🍀Virtual meditation⠀ ⠀ 🍀Virtual coworking⠀ ⠀ 🍀Partner support group⠀ ⠀ If one or more of these ideas appeals to you, or if they’re on the right track but not quite what you’re looking for, could you please fill out the survey linked in my bio? There's more information there about each option, too!⠀ ⠀ I’ll go through the results this weekend and get sessions scheduled starting next week. (Also, this should go without saying, but all of these are free events, no sales pitches allowed from myself or anyone else in attendance.)

I did an experiment for 12 posts where I‌ made everything fit together and look “just right.” The algorithm hated it, and while the perfectionist in me didn’t like that, I think my inner voice is screaming with relief and gratitude.⠀ ⠀ If this is just a space to share perfectly curated and well-thought-out posts about topics that will make you want to work with me, I’m heading straight toward burnout. If it’s not real (which means sometimes – often – imperfect and messy), I don’t want it.⠀ ⠀ I started journaling again sporadically about 2 years ago, and so far for every day of 2020, I’ve had pen to paper within 20 minutes of waking up. If that wasn’t a lesson in embracing imperfection, I don’t know what is. ⠀ ⠀ I used to want my journals to look a certain way. I‌ found one from my childhood where every page was a letter to my “Dear Diary” and somehow I always wrapped my thoughts up in exactly one page. When I’ve suggested journaling as a practice to others, and especially the idea of just writing what comes to mind, stream of consciousness, I often hear, “Oh, I couldn’t do that. I’d need more structure.” ⠀ ⠀ I think we all think that. I‌ think we like to believe that what works for other people won’t work for us, whether it’s journaling, a spiritual practice, or anything you’ve ever heard someone say “oh my gosh it changed my life” about. ⠀ ⠀ “Sure, that’s fine for them,” we think, “but I’m different. I’m more complicated. I’m a skeptic. Things don’t work that way for me.”⠀ ⠀ I’ve been humbled in the last month by the number of things that I‌ thought weren’t for me or wouldn’t work for me that have. If we’re made up of a mind, body, and spirit, I’ve often been so caught up in my inner world that I forget I have a body or a spirit. Hours spent sitting at my desk without even stretching my legs. Anxiety swirling around with no attempts made to dispel it other than thinking extra hard about the sources of my stress.⠀ ⠀ {Continued in the comments because I wrote too darn many words}

What do you think of the iceberg metaphor for culture?⠀ ⠀ If you know me at all, then you know I’m obsessed with is, both for describing culture and for describing individuals. You see, the part of a culture/individual that we can see above the service is teeny-tiny compared the hulking mass underneath the water level.⠀ ⠀ Why does this matter?⠀ ⠀ When it comes to understanding ourselves, our loved ones, and our cultures as a whole, it takes a lot more introspection than, say, looking in the mirror or reading a Wikipedia page.⠀ ⠀ Some of my favorite tools for understanding myself, my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are meditation, journaling, learning about things like the enneagram, and externally processing with a trusted few loved ones.⠀ ⠀ Do you do any of these things, or are you interested in starting one of them? For the sake of accountability, let me know in the comments!

I've been talking lately about the frustration around others assuming you and your partner are together because of a green card.⠀ ⠀ Now before anyone jumps in and says, “But sometimes it is sketchy! And pointing that out to my friend is just being a good friend!” … I get it. There are certainly cases of visa fraud that happen every year, and it is the job of USCIS to flag high fraud locations and reject applications that don’t provide enough proof of a real relationship. I’m sure they catch quite a few people with false relationships, and I’m sure there are people who are genuinely in love who have been rejected, too. ⠀ ⠀ That’s the thing about a relationship-based immigration situation. Each relationship is unique, and it’s hard to know how it might appear from the outside or what someone else might expect to see in order to know that it’s genuine.

Last week I shared some of my favorite books about intercultural relationships with you.⠀ ⠀ Now it's your turn -- what are the best books you've read about or for people in intercultural relationships? Let me know in the comments!

ORIGIN STORY⠀ ⠀ For the majority of the time that Borderless Stories has existed, I've focused my work exclusively on intercultural couples -- makes sense, right? That's what inspired this business baby's birth in the first place, so why shouldn't that be its life purpose, too?⠀ ⠀ But here's the thing. Many lessons we learn in intercultural relationships can benefit other individuals and couples, and who are we to hold back life-giving water from someone who just needs a beverage?⠀ ⠀ I'm opening up my 1:1 relationship coaching to ANYONE who is struggling to connect and communicate with their partner, regardless of their origin story. (You can grow up next door to each other and still struggle to understand each other, it’s true.)⠀ ⠀ We've all got our own personal and cultural icebergs to explore, and I know that doing that can help us communicate clearly, master conflict like a champ, and transform our relationships and lives. ⠀ ⠀ Got questions? Send me a DM!

In early 2019, I‌ set out to write a book about intercultural relationships, largely because I‌ couldn’t find one like what I‌ was looking for. It seems like love stories that cross cultures are still an infrequent enough topic that when I‌ find a book that captures the experience well, it’s still noteworthy. These are some of the books that are helpful for people in intercultural relationships that are at the top of my list, and I‌ hope to be able to continue to add to this list.⠀ ⠀ A Tender Struggle, by Krista Bremer⠀ Love Undocumented, by @sarahquezada⠀ The Sun is Also a Star, by @nicolayoon⠀ This Messy Mobile Life, by @andthenwemovedto⠀ Use Your Difference to Make a Difference, by @tayorockson⠀ ⠀ I'm diving into the reasons I've chosen all of these books over on the blog today -- check it out if you'd like to learn more!

There's one space where it's really, really, really important to push for clarity and not just let things be humorous misunderstandings or funny stories to tell your friends later, and that's when it comes to having a physical relationship and especially the importance of consent. Misunderstandings can almost be fun in other areas, like it might make a funny story if you are talking on the phone and you can't quite communicate directions to each other and so it takes you an extra 40 minutes to meet up because one of you keeps taking wrong turns or not finding the right landmarks.

HOW DO YOU KNOW HE/SHE ISN'T WITH YOU FOR THE GREEN CARD?⠀ ⠀ The frustration that I have with this oft-repeated joke is that the immigration process is already long, expensive, and emotionally-taxing. That right there is a deterrent to anyone looking for a quick, easy, and fake way to enter a country. The process itself requires commitment – it’s not like you fill out a quick form and then kick back and relax and wait for your green card. If your understanding of the fiance visa comes from “90 Day Fiance,” you’ve definitely heard the phrase, “They have 90 days to decide if they want to get married.” That’s a pet peeve of mine right there – I can’t imagine many people go through the stress and expense of filing for a fiance visa without first deciding that they do, in fact, want to get married and are already committed to each other.⠀ ⠀ If your first reaction when someone tells you they’re engaged to a person from another country is to go full Sherlock Holmes to detect if their heart is pure and motivation is real, stop right there. Is this how you react to two people from the same country getting engaged? If so, great (I mean, that’s weird…but I’m glad you’re not discriminating). If not, and you’re letting your bias of people from a different part of the world express itself, then stop and take a breath. Try asking your friend questions about his or her partner like you would if you were just curious if these two people are compatible, not searching for skeletons in the closet.

This is for me, and this is for you.⠀ ⠀ As a human, partner, business owner...it can be easy to forget to take a minute, pause, and feel gratitude for what already IS. So often we (I) are chasing down the next goal, working on crossing the next item off an ever-growing to-do list, and it can be a much-needed reality check to stop, take a break, and let ourselves (myself) feel grateful for what we have, who is in our lives, and the growth that we’ve experienced.⠀ ⠀ That’s what I’m doing right now. Care to join me? Let me know in the comments, what is something (or someone) that you’re feeling grateful for right now?