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The last six months have been the most difficult in my life due to losing my son to suicide and all the pain that comes with that. As we live only two blocks from the beach, in Myrtle Beach, we are in a mandatory evacuation zone. We weren’t prepared financially to leave (I just got off disability, due to my son’s death). Now we aren’t able to get home because we have to drive through NC to do so.

Suicide knocked three times, on the fourth knock it took you. I must force my lungs to to inhale, my heart to beat and my feet to take step after step. Whoever said, “It gets easier with time” was a damn lier. [It] gets harder everyday!

In the last year between divorce, Philip’s death and my other child (Alex) coming out as transgender I have a beautiful child living and a loving boyfriend; but the weight in my heart is heavy and the pain so raw. But today, as Mother’s Day looms, I find myself planning to visit my child’s grave for the first time since he passed away 11 weeks ago. My plan with Alex, for this day, we will go hiking at our favorite spot that we would go with Philip.

Through so many of the hard moments that my son, Philip, faced, he still would laugh and smile. When Philip passed away, I was adamant that his funeral not be somber, he wouldn’t have wanted that. It was amazing to hear others speak fondly of their own experiences with Philip and it uplifted us all during a very difficult time. I know that laughter, happiness and a smile are all the things that keep Philip’s spirit alive.