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Our three-month-old baby slept peacefully in his car seat, completely unaware of the abnormal measurement that had brought us here. No amount of control or caution can keep them from disappointment, broken hearts, or irregular test results. When God said, “he will come to save the world,” did she know that meant unspeakable pain and suffering? I clutched our baby to my chest and breathed out a shaky prayer: thank you thank you

It’s not that we’re cold or heartless, we just don’t need to be surrounded by a lot of unnecessary STUFF to hold on to our memories. When I was a college junior (living in a rental house with four other girls), my mom showed up one day with boxes of my old stuffed animals, Barbies, and even prom dresses and said, “I need to clean out my storage room. He’s inclined to hang on to everything (old tractor wheels, extra bike parts, broken shoes) on the off chance it can be used, fixed, or jerry-rigged with duct tape and a prayer someday. I’ve lost at least a week of my life to “playhouse ideas” on Pinterest and Dairy Man started glazing over when I mentioned a chalkboard wall, string lights, and kid-sized ghost chairs.

Ellis was delivered 10 minutes after we arrived by an ER doctor whose name I don’t even know. Being born “en caul” is extremely rare (1 in 80,000 babies) and carries historic superstition about good luck and a destiny of greatness. I didn’t buy into the hype, but I couldn’t help feel that she was marked as special. I sometimes feel compelled to devour her chubby little hands, her bright blue eyes, her adorably deranged six-tooth smile.

Between my work and farm insanity, there hasn’t been a lot of time to float around in a magical pregnancy bubble. I can’t ignore the fact that a baby is waiting for me at the end of this pregnancy. But if pregnancy and being a parent has taught me anything, it’s that life is not about control. I can’t control my pregnancy or be sure of a healthy baby.